Squaring Things Away

So my uncle has been dead now for about 2 months now. It’s hard to believe. When i want to tell him things, i know i can’t now. Thankfully though, it wasn’t due to his bipollar or anything at all. He had had a massive heart attack which couldn’t have been prevented. It was a genettic condition he had. My granda died the very same way too, and it can be traced right back in mums side of the family. It only affected males though.

Unfortunately he had lay in the house for a few weeks, so the house needed to be fumigated by a specialist team. I am so thankful that we didn’t find him though. Or that we weren’t up at the house when it happened. It sends shivers up my spine to think what would have happened if i had been alone with him when it happened, for example.

Tomorrow my sister, dad and i are going up to the house to take some of our stuff we had left at his over the months. We may take some more things, depending what is in good condition to keep. Me and my sister have been generously left the house by my uncle which was such a nice thought. We haven’t decided what we’ll do with it yet though.

I’m kind of dreading going up to be honest. I know it is ours now, but it seems weird rummaging round his house. It kind of brings it home too. I wasn’t really affected by his death, but i did think of him a lot. But going up to what was his house will deffinetly bring it home alright. We don’t even know what state the house will be in. It’ll probably be freezing.

I hope we don’t spend too long there to be honest as i only have a couple things to grab and i don’t know, but i’m kind of weirded out about the whole thing.

I’m just going to treat the house as if it’s just an empty house, otherwise we won’t want to go in to it at all. I just felt a need to get my feelings out on to paper as it were.

So once again, rip Uncle Stephen, and thank you for all you did for us. You were totally great. I do miss texting you. I often think about when you phoned me to explain why you couldn’t text and that you had a weird illness. I think of the last texts i sent you when i said about you going to stay with Granny. Sorry i doubted in my head that you couldn’t because you couldn’t travel. I hope you’re happy where ever you are..

RIP Uncle Stephen

Tonight i got the sad news that my uncle has died. I am not sure what happened, but my aunt found him and said he seemed to have been dead a while.

I haven’t been up at my uncles as much as i have been this year because he hasn’t been well at all with his depression. Usually i know when to go up and when not. When he doesn’t respond to my texts, i know he’s not well and that he will contact me in his own time.

To add to this though, lately he has started taking spells where he will fall when he is standing up. I don’t know if he actually faints as it hasn’t happened thankfully when we’ve been around but he does fall. We called them his wibble wobbles. The doctors thought it was his blood pressure was going too low but it wasn’t that as he told us the tablets weren’t working and the falls were happening more regularly.

A few weeks ago he called me. This is rare as he never calls-we text each other instead. He said he couldn’t physically text as he was very shaky. He was shaking so badly that he couldn’t even pour himself a drink or get up to go to the toilet. I told him that he needed to get it checked out as soon as possible.

A few weeks later, he was able to text again but was very tired and unsteady on his feet since the shaking thing happened. He wasn’t too worried as he thought that it was a weird flu as he had the same thing a couple years ago. He had said that it probably wasn’t that serious and that he was going to see our granny who has recently moved over here from Scotland. My aunt would have picked him up as he can’t travel. I thought this was a great thing since he doesn’t like travelling at all, but the fact that he had said that he would go down to see granny was brilliant. That was the last text he sent me.

I presumed he was just down again and that he would text me when he was ready. I was not expecting the news that he was dead tonight at all. I was just talking about him today to my friend Paul.

To be honest, yes it’s sad, but i’m not too upset yet. I know that probably sounds heartless and the fact i’m even writing this blog tonight is probably heartless, but i am not one of these people who gets upset because that’s what people do. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but obviously if i do get upset, i’ll deal with it, but i would be quite private about my grief. It doesn’t mean i don’t care or anything.

Unfortunately, my uncle struggled a lot with his weight. He also is a heavy smoker along with his mental illness. I just hope that in a way it was something medical and not him taking his own life as that would just be awful if he felt he had to do that.

I’ll probably go up and collect some wee things i still have left up there, but there is no rush. I’d say a post mortum will probably be carried out to investigate the cause of his death.

So uncle Stephen, thank you for being such a great uncle. Thank you for being you. Thank you for everything you did for us, now and in the past like taking me to see Sara brightman in concert when i was about 9. Thank you for the wee texts, and for just being you. Thank you for the key to your home when we met face to face again a few years ago. Thank you for accepting me for me. Thank you for accepting Ushi even though you weren’t a dog person at all. Thank you for letting her lick you and look after you. Thank you for being you. Rest in piece. Sorry we couldn’t see you as often as we’d have liked, but we wouldn’t have intruded if you needed time alone. Sorry for nagging you about your falls. I just hope you didn’t suffer. Rip xxxx.